So, technically, this post should have been written weeks ago, and it was, well, in my head anyway. There are no excuses (there are lots of excuses) but I just haven’t done it. Until now.
On the last day of term, every teacher throughout the country does two things: breathes a sigh of relief as they know they have survived another year and perhaps even waved goodbye to little Jonny* and they look forward with eager anticipation to the presents that may appear on their desks. My finest hour for presents was my last year of teaching practice (2001) – I had a year four class in Harrogate, N. Yorks and they were wonderful. The presents piled up for me seemed never-ending, and bear in mind that I was not their full-time teacher, just a wannabe…
They bought me wine and chocolates and wine and a mug (there’s always a mug**), socks (yup, those too), more wine and a bottle of champagne! Not Tesco’s finest fizz, proper champagne. Woohoo! I have never really equalled that day for gifts, I’ve had some crackers for which I am hugely grateful, of course, but that year stands out. Maybe it was because I had passed. I was an NQT. It was for real.
Spin on eleven-and-a-half years and more children leave my class and more presents arrive. There was the usual array of mugs, socks and a pen or two, a quite amazing cake from a young man and chocolate. Don’t get me wrong, I love chocolate but this was a mountain. I am now approaching my middle ages (presuming I live until I’m 80) and my waistline has increased. Bizarrely, the more that increases, the more my hairline decreases – surely scientific investigation has researched this? I find it harder to exercise because I have a whole load of excuses up my sleeve and gone is the youthful bulletproof body of my earlier years so I have to take it steady on chocolate and treats (I have to, doesn’t mean that I actually do, mind!) So, I decided to take stock, to do a calorie count of all my goodies. Prepare yourself, it is quite shocking news.
I received a mammoth amount of chocolatey goodness, mostly from Cadbury’s although there are other confectioners available. 19 boxes of chocolates, several bags of sweets, more home-baked cookies and cakes than I dared count and a marshmallow candle, that smelled good enough to eat, but rather sensibly didn’t include a calorie indicator on the packaging.
My total calorie count for all these packaged goods was 29,193
That’s not included the home-made stuff, the wonderful cake and, of course, the candle.
30,000 calories! If I ran a marathon at my zippy pace of 6 mph, then I’d burn 4,294 calories (according to healthstatus.com) That means I’d have to run 7 marathons in order to burn off all those gifts.
That does not appeal! Needless to say, I scoffed a few but decided – sensibly – to ease off from my usual gluttonous summer diet in favour of maintaining a svelte, heart-caring figure.
Writing this post burnt 19 calories. Apparently. That is 2 Maltesers. Terrific.
No salad was harmed during the writing of this post.
*Names, as ever, have been changed to save the innocent. And Jonny.